A Touchy Subject
Perhaps it’s my baby-soft skin (said no surgical tech EVER) or is it my strong arms (if by “strong” you mean “the size of toothpicks”). Whatever the reason, lately people can’t seem to stop touching me.
It started innocently enough. I was helping anesthesia put in a spinal block. They needed someone to stand beside the patient and help her lean forward to get the block in. There I was, standing beside my patient, when suddenly she took my hand in a death-grip that belied her diminutive stature. She had been very anxious on arrival and I thought, “Hey, if that makes her feel better then whatever.” Once the versed kicked in, she finally loosened her grip and I regained feeling in my hand. (5 minutes later…sheesh)
The next time, I was holding a patient’s wrist (gently). It was pre-induction and my drowsy patient kept trying to scratch his eye. He twisted his arm around until he could reach and grabbed my hand. “Here we go again…” I thought and prepared to have my hand crushed for a second time that day. But instead of the horrible bone crushing I’d been expecting, I was met with something way creepier. The patient started kind of…well…stroking my hand.
It wasn’t an “I’m using you as a human worry stone” kind of stroke. It was more of an “I’m feeling kind of lecherous” stroke. It was creeping me out so I let go of his wrist. Of course, he then immediately reached up (faster than anyone whose had a colossal dose of versed should be able to) and tried to scratch his eyes again-for, which the CRNA promptly turned around and crabbed at me about. I re-grabbed his wrist and was once again subjected to his semi-lewd hand petting until mercifully anesthesia got him fully sedated.
The third time was the worst. I’d been put in a room with a surgeon who’s really, really tense ALL THE TIME. His tension rubs off on people, and by the end of a day everyone is exhausted! (I once asked the service leader to put Xanax on his preference cards. When she asked why I told her it was for him, and if he wouldn’t take it, everyone else in his room was going to need it. Surprisingly, she declined my request.)
We were doing a joint replacement and for a while things were going okay. Then we started trialing… The stem was too long. The off-set too high. OMG EVERYBODY PANIC!!! The surgeon suddenly stopped his tirade and took a minute to think. Unfortunately, he decided he might think better with some company so he walked over to my mayo stand (which my hands were resting on), put his hand over mine, and squeezed. Then he stood there…thinking…for what had to have been the longest 60 seconds of my life. It was the first time all day there’d been a break in his barking and I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I was also acutely aware of how incredibly awkward it was to be standing in a room full of people with an angry surgeon holding my hand. After mentally reformulating his plan, he released his grip, patted my hand a few times, and snapped back into action.
Why do people keep touching me? Does anyone else have this problem?? I can understand why patients might do this. Physical contact during stressful times can help calm someone. But seriously people, there needs to be limits! I will hold your hand if you’d like, but please don’t pet me. I’m not a therapy dog. Yeah, I know my hair hasn’t been cut in awhile, but I’m still a long ways from being mistaken for a Golden Retriever. If my surgeons are that starved for physical human contact, maybe I will start standing in the sub-sterile in between cases holding a “FREE HUGS” sign. Hey, if it gets them to stop with the attempts at intra-operative canoodling I’m totally on board. Until next time, stay sterile, my friends.
