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Hello From the Ortho Side


Awhile back, I wrote a parody song to "Uptown Funk" called "Scrub Tech Funk." The other day at work, the radio was playing and I think I heard Adele's "Hello" four or five times over the course of two total joint cases. Having heard this song on a loop for months now, I can say I've gotten kind of sick of it. When that happens, my brain likes to make it interesting by coming up with new lyrics. As I was passing the tibial cutting jig to the surgeon, the chorus came up and the lyrics "HELLO FROM THE ORTHO SIDE!!!!" came screaming into my brain. From that moment of temporary insanity, a new version of "Hello" was born. And here it is...

Hello, it’s me.

The floor looks like a goddamn ocean in this knee arthroscopy.

Thank God, we’re done.

But here comes a femur fracture and the patient’s ninety-one.

Hello, can you hear me?

I’m stuck in a hip revision and I really have to pee.

There’s no hope for me.

Cause when this nightmare case is over, I’ve still got a total knee.

We’ve been scrubbed in for four hours

And we’re nowhere close to done.

Hello from the ortho side.

At least I can say that I tried.

But the vendor rep’s in the total shoulder next door,

And I’ve never used this stupid hip set before.

Hello from the ortho side.

I must have called a thousand times

For a room turn-over and a five minute break.

I think this career choice may have been a mistake.

God, I’m sore.

I must know why

The smallest patient I’ve had in two months was 50 BMI.

Cause my back is dying

Despite using proper lifting techniques, the pain’s intensifying.

It’s no secret that in five years

I’ll need new joints of my own.

So, hello from the ortho side.

Where dignity gets brushed aside.

Cause you can’t look serious covered in blood and bone

And your room is loaded with too much testosterone.

Hello from the ortho side.

Like bone cement, my tears have dried.

And I wonder if there’s openings in ENT,

Where you don’t end your shift looking like you have been through a war.


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